Forwarded Few

This is a collection of selected forwarded emails. They range from the mundane set of poor jokes, to some anecdotes on life , further to some perspectives and furthrest into the creative instincts of some close friends.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

A story that was almost untold

A PRETTY AFTER-DINNER SPEECH FOR A BILLION DOLLARS

"When, on the evening of December 12, 1900, some eighty of the nation's financial nobility gathered in the banquet hall of the University Club on Fifth Avenue to do honor to a young man from out of the West, not half a dozen of the guests realized they were to witness the most significant episode in American industrial history.
"J. Edward Simmons and Charles Stewart Smith, their hearts full of gratitude for the lavish hospitality bestowed on them by Charles M. Schwab during a recent visit to Pittsburgh, had arranged the dinner to introduce the thirty-eight-year-old steel man to eastern banking society. But they didn't expect him to stampede the convention. They warned him, in fact, that the bosoms within New York's stuffed shirts would not be responsive to oratory, and that, if he didn't want to bore the Stilimans and Harrimans and Vanderbilts, he had better limit himself to fifteen or twenty minutes of polite vaporings and let it go at that.

"Even John Pierpont Morgan, sitting on the right hand of Schwab as became his imperial dignity, intended to grace the banquet table with his presence only briefly. And so far as the press and public were concerned, the whole affair was of so little moment that no mention of it found its way into print the next day.
\n \n"So the two hosts and their distinguished guests ate their way through the usual seven or eight courses. There was little conversation and what there was of it was restrained. Few of the bankers and brokers had met Schwab, whose career had flowered along the banks of the Monongahela, and none knew him well. But before the evening was over, they--and with them Money Master Morgan--were to be swept off their feet, and a billion-dollar baby, the United States Steel Corporation, was to be conceived.\n \n"It is perhaps unfortunate, for the sake of history, that no record of Charlie Schwab\'s speech at the dinner ever was made. He repeated some parts of it at a later date during a similar meeting of Chicago bankers. And still later, when the Government brought suit to dissolve the Steel Trust, he gave his own version, from the witness stand, of the remarks that stimulated Morgan into a frenzy of financial activity.\n \n"It is probable, however, that it was a \'homely\' speech, somewhat ungrammatical (for the niceties of language never bothered Schwab), full of epigram and threaded with wit. But aside from that it had a galvanic force and effect upon the five billions of estimated capital that was represented by the diners. After it was over and the gathering was still under its spell, although Schwab had talked for ninety minutes, Morgan led the orator to a recessed window where, dangling their legs from the high, uncomfortable seat, they talked for an hour more.\n \n"The magic of the Schwab personality had been turned on, full force, but what was more important and lasting was the full-fledged, clear-cut program he laid down for the aggrandizement of Steel. Many other men had tried to interest Morgan in slapping together a steel trust after the pattern of the biscuit, wire and hoop, sugar, rubber, whisky, oil or chewing gum combinations. John W. Gates, the gambler, had urged it, but Morgan distrusted him. The Moore boys, Bill and Jim, Chicago stock jobbers who had glued together a match trust and a cracker corporation, had urged it and failed. Elbert H. Gary, the sanctimonious country lawyer, wanted to foster it, but he wasn\'t big enough to be impressive. Until Schwab\'s eloquence took J. P. Morgan to the heights from which he could visualize the solid results of the most daring financial undertaking ever conceived, the project was regarded as a delirious dream of easy-money crackpots.",1]
);
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"So the two hosts and their distinguished guests ate their way through the usual seven or eight courses. There was little conversation and what there was of it was restrained. Few of the bankers and brokers had met Schwab, whose career had flowered along the banks of the Monongahela, and none knew him well. But before the evening was over, they--and with them Money Master Morgan--were to be swept off their feet, and a billion-dollar baby, the United States Steel Corporation, was to be conceived.

"It is perhaps unfortunate, for the sake of history, that no record of Charlie Schwab's speech at the dinner ever was made. He repeated some parts of it at a later date during a similar meeting of Chicago bankers. And still later, when the Government brought suit to dissolve the Steel Trust, he gave his own version, from the witness stand, of the remarks that stimulated Morgan into a frenzy of financial activity.

"It is probable, however, that it was a 'homely' speech, somewhat ungrammatical (for the niceties of language never bothered Schwab), full of epigram and threaded with wit. But aside from that it had a galvanic force and effect upon the five billions of estimated capital that was represented by the diners. After it was over and the gathering was still under its spell, although Schwab had talked for ninety minutes, Morgan led the orator to a recessed window where, dangling their legs from the high, uncomfortable seat, they talked for an hour more.

"The magic of the Schwab personality had been turned on, full force, but what was more important and lasting was the full-fledged, clear-cut program he laid down for the aggrandizement of Steel. Many other men had tried to interest Morgan in slapping together a steel trust after the pattern of the biscuit, wire and hoop, sugar, rubber, whisky, oil or chewing gum combinations. John W. Gates, the gambler, had urged it, but Morgan distrusted him. The Moore boys, Bill and Jim, Chicago stock jobbers who had glued together a match trust and a cracker corporation, had urged it and failed. Elbert H. Gary, the sanctimonious country lawyer, wanted to foster it, but he wasn't big enough to be impressive. Until Schwab's eloquence took J. P. Morgan to the heights from which he could visualize the solid results of the most daring financial undertaking ever conceived, the project was regarded as a delirious dream of easy-money crackpots.
\n \n"The financial magnetism that began, a generation ago, to attract thousands of small and sometimes inefficiently managed companies into large and competition-crushing combinations, had become operative in the steel world through the devices of that jovial business pirate, John W. Gates. Gates already had formed the American Steel and Wire Company out of a chain of small concerns, and together with Morgan had created the Federal Steel Company. The National Tube and American Bridge companies were two more Morgan concerns, and the Moore Brothers had forsaken the match and cookie business to form the \'American\' group--Tin Plate, Steel Hoop, Sheet Steel--and the National Steel Company.\n"But by the side of Andrew Carnegie\'s gigantic vertical trust, a trust owned and operated by fifty-three partners, those other combinations were picayune. They might combine to their heart\'s content but the whole lot of them couldn\'t make a dent in the Carnegie organization, and Morgan knew it.\n \n"The eccentric old Scot knew it, too. From the magnificent heights of Skibo Castle he had viewed, first with amusement and then with resentment, the attempts of Morgan\'s smaller companies to cut into his business. When the attempts became too bold, Carnegie\'s temper was translated into anger and retaliation. He decided to duplicate every mill owned by his rivals. Hitherto, he hadn\'t been interested in wire, pipe, hoops, or sheet. Instead, he was content to sell such companies the raw steel and let them work it into whatever shape they wanted. Now, with Schwab as his chief and able lieutenant, he planned to drive his enemies to the wall.\n \n"So it was that in the speech of Charles M. Schwab, Morgan saw the answer to his problem of combination. A trust without Carnegie--giant of them all--would be no trust at all, a plum pudding, as one writer said, without the plums.\n"Schwab\'s speech on the night of December 12, 1900, undoubtedly carried the inference, though not the pledge, that the vast Carnegie enterprise could be brought under the Morgan tent. He talked of the world future for steel, of reorganization for efficiency, of specialization, of the scrapping of unsuccessful mills and concentration of effort on the flourishing properties, of economies in the ore traffic, of economies in overhead and administrative departments, of capturing foreign markets.",1]
);
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"The financial magnetism that began, a generation ago, to attract thousands of small and sometimes inefficiently managed companies into large and competition-crushing combinations, had become operative in the steel world through the devices of that jovial business pirate, John W. Gates. Gates already had formed the American Steel and Wire Company out of a chain of small concerns, and together with Morgan had created the Federal Steel Company. The National Tube and American Bridge companies were two more Morgan concerns, and the Moore Brothers had forsaken the match and cookie business to form the 'American' group--Tin Plate, Steel Hoop, Sheet Steel--and the National Steel Company.
"But by the side of Andrew Carnegie's gigantic vertical trust, a trust owned and operated by fifty-three partners, those other combinations were picayune. They might combine to their heart's content but the whole lot of them couldn't make a dent in the Carnegie organization, and Morgan knew it.

"The eccentric old Scot knew it, too. From the magnificent heights of Skibo Castle he had viewed, first with amusement and then with resentment, the attempts of Morgan's smaller companies to cut into his business. When the attempts became too bold, Carnegie's temper was translated into anger and retaliation. He decided to duplicate every mill owned by his rivals. Hitherto, he hadn't been interested in wire, pipe, hoops, or sheet. Instead, he was content to sell such companies the raw steel and let them work it into whatever shape they wanted. Now, with Schwab as his chief and able lieutenant, he planned to drive his enemies to the wall.

"So it was that in the speech of Charles M. Schwab, Morgan saw the answer to his problem of combination. A trust without Carnegie--giant of them all--would be no trust at all, a plum pudding, as one writer said, without the plums.
"Schwab's speech on the night of December 12, 1900, undoubtedly carried the inference, though not the pledge, that the vast Carnegie enterprise could be brought under the Morgan tent. He talked of the world future for steel, of reorganization for efficiency, of specialization, of the scrapping of unsuccessful mills and concentration of effort on the flourishing properties, of economies in the ore traffic, of economies in overhead and administrative departments, of capturing foreign markets.
\n \n"More than that, he told the buccaneers among them wherein lay the errors of their customary piracy. Their purposes, he inferred, had been to create monopolies, raise prices, and pay themselves fat dividends out of privilege. Schwab condemned the system in his heartiest manner. The shortsightedness of such a policy, he told his hearers, lay in the fact that it restricted the market in an era when everything cried for expansion. By cheapening the cost of steel, he argued, an ever-expanding market would be created; more uses for steel would be devised, and a goodly portion of the world trade could be captured. Actually, though he did not know it, Schwab was an apostle of modern mass production.\n \n"So the dinner at the University Club came to an end. Morgan went home, to think about Schwab\'s rosy predictions. Schwab went back to Pittsburgh to run the steel business for \'Wee Andra Carnegie,\' while Gary and the rest went back to their stock tickers, to fiddle around in anticipation of the next move.\n \n"It was not long coming. It took Morgan about one week to digest the feast of reason Schwab had placed before him. When he had assured himself that no financial indigestion was to result, he sent for Schwab--and found that young man rather coy. Mr. Carnegie, Schwab indicated, might not like it if he found his trusted company president had been flirting with the Emperor of Wall Street, the Street upon which Carnegie was resolved never to tread. Then it was suggested by John W. Gates the go-between, that if Schwab \'happened\' to be in the Bellevue Hotel in Philadelphia, J. P. Morgan might also \'happen\' to be there. When Schwab arrived, however, Morgan was inconveniently ill at his New York home, and so, on the elder man\'s pressing invitation, Schwab went to New York and presented himself at the door of the financier\'s library.\n \n"Now certain economic historians have professed the belief that from the beginning to the end of the drama, the stage was set by Andrew Carnegie--that the dinner to Schwab, the famous speech, the Sunday night conference between Schwab and the Money King, were events arranged by the canny Scot. The truth is exactly the opposite. When Schwab was called in to consummate the deal, he didn\'t even know whether \'the little boss,\' as Andrew was called, would so much as listen to an offer to sell, particularly to a group of men whom Andrew regarded as being endowed with something less than holiness. But Schwab did take into the conference with him, in his own handwriting, six sheets of copper-plate figures, representing to his mind the physical worth and the potential earning capacity of every steel company he regarded as an essential star in the new metal firmament.",1]
);
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"More than that, he told the buccaneers among them wherein lay the errors of their customary piracy. Their purposes, he inferred, had been to create monopolies, raise prices, and pay themselves fat dividends out of privilege. Schwab condemned the system in his heartiest manner. The shortsightedness of such a policy, he told his hearers, lay in the fact that it restricted the market in an era when everything cried for expansion. By cheapening the cost of steel, he argued, an ever-expanding market would be created; more uses for steel would be devised, and a goodly portion of the world trade could be captured. Actually, though he did not know it, Schwab was an apostle of modern mass production.

"So the dinner at the University Club came to an end. Morgan went home, to think about Schwab's rosy predictions. Schwab went back to Pittsburgh to run the steel business for 'Wee Andra Carnegie,' while Gary and the rest went back to their stock tickers, to fiddle around in anticipation of the next move.

"It was not long coming. It took Morgan about one week to digest the feast of reason Schwab had placed before him. When he had assured himself that no financial indigestion was to result, he sent for Schwab--and found that young man rather coy. Mr. Carnegie, Schwab indicated, might not like it if he found his trusted company president had been flirting with the Emperor of Wall Street, the Street upon which Carnegie was resolved never to tread. Then it was suggested by John W. Gates the go-between, that if Schwab 'happened' to be in the Bellevue Hotel in Philadelphia, J. P. Morgan might also 'happen' to be there. When Schwab arrived, however, Morgan was inconveniently ill at his New York home, and so, on the elder man's pressing invitation, Schwab went to New York and presented himself at the door of the financier's library.

"Now certain economic historians have professed the belief that from the beginning to the end of the drama, the stage was set by Andrew Carnegie--that the dinner to Schwab, the famous speech, the Sunday night conference between Schwab and the Money King, were events arranged by the canny Scot. The truth is exactly the opposite. When Schwab was called in to consummate the deal, he didn't even know whether 'the little boss,' as Andrew was called, would so much as listen to an offer to sell, particularly to a group of men whom Andrew regarded as being endowed with something less than holiness. But Schwab did take into the conference with him, in his own handwriting, six sheets of copper-plate figures, representing to his mind the physical worth and the potential earning capacity of every steel company he regarded as an essential star in the new metal firmament.
\n \n"Four men pondered over these figures all night. The chief, of course, was Morgan, steadfast in his belief in the Divine Right of Money. With him was his aristocratic partner, Robert Bacon, a scholar and a gentleman. The third was John W. Gates whom Morgan scorned as a gambler and used as a tool. The fourth was Schwab, who knew more about the processes of making and selling steel than any whole group of men then living. Throughout that conference, the Pittsburgher\'s figures were never questioned. If he said a company was worth so much, then it was worth that much and no more. He was insistent, too, upon including in the combination only those concerns he nominated. He had conceived a corporation in which there would be no duplication, not even to satisfy the greed of friends who wanted to unload their companies upon the broad Morgan shoulders. Thus he left out, by design, a number of the larger concerns upon which the Walruses and Carpenters of Wall Street had cast\n hungry eyes. \n \n"When dawn came, Morgan rose and straightened his back. Only one question remained.\n"\'Do you think you can persuade Andrew Carnegie to sell?\' he asked.\n"\'I can try,\' said Schwab.\n"\'If you can get him to sell, I will undertake the matter,\' said Morgan.\n"So far so good. But would Carnegie sell? How much would he demand? (Schwab thought about $320,000,000). What would he take payment in? Common or preferred stocks? Bonds? Cash? Nobody could raise a third of a billion dollars in cash.\n \n"There was a golf game in January on the frost-cracking heath of the St. Andrews links in Westchester, with Andrew bundled up in sweaters against the cold, and Charlie talking volubly, as usual, to keep his spirits up. But no word of business was mentioned until the pair sat down in the cozy warmth of the Carnegie cottage hard by. Then, with the same persuasiveness that had hypnotized eighty millionaires at the University Club, Schwab poured out the glittering promises of retirement in comfort, of untold millions to satisfy the old man\'s social caprices. Carnegie capitulated, wrote a figure on a slip of paper, handed it to Schwab and said, \'all right, that\'s what we\'ll sell for.\'",1]
);
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"Four men pondered over these figures all night. The chief, of course, was Morgan, steadfast in his belief in the Divine Right of Money. With him was his aristocratic partner, Robert Bacon, a scholar and a gentleman. The third was John W. Gates whom Morgan scorned as a gambler and used as a tool. The fourth was Schwab, who knew more about the processes of making and selling steel than any whole group of men then living. Throughout that conference, the Pittsburgher's figures were never questioned. If he said a company was worth so much, then it was worth that much and no more. He was insistent, too, upon including in the combination only those concerns he nominated. He had conceived a corporation in which there would be no duplication, not even to satisfy the greed of friends who wanted to unload their companies upon the broad Morgan shoulders. Thus he left out, by design, a number of the larger concerns upon which the Walruses and Carpenters of Wall Street had cast hungry eyes.

"When dawn came, Morgan rose and straightened his back. Only one question remained.
"'Do you think you can persuade Andrew Carnegie to sell?' he asked.
"'I can try,' said Schwab.
"'If you can get him to sell, I will undertake the matter,' said Morgan.
"So far so good. But would Carnegie sell? How much would he demand? (Schwab thought about $320,000,000). What would he take payment in? Common or preferred stocks? Bonds? Cash? Nobody could raise a third of a billion dollars in cash.

"There was a golf game in January on the frost-cracking heath of the St. Andrews links in Westchester, with Andrew bundled up in sweaters against the cold, and Charlie talking volubly, as usual, to keep his spirits up. But no word of business was mentioned until the pair sat down in the cozy warmth of the Carnegie cottage hard by. Then, with the same persuasiveness that had hypnotized eighty millionaires at the University Club, Schwab poured out the glittering promises of retirement in comfort, of untold millions to satisfy the old man's social caprices. Carnegie capitulated, wrote a figure on a slip of paper, handed it to Schwab and said, 'all right, that's what we'll sell for.'
\n \n"The figure was approximately $400,000,000, and was reached by taking the $320,000,000 mentioned by Schwab as a basic figure, and adding to it $80,000,000 to represent the increased capital value over the previous two years.\n"Later, on the deck of a trans-Atlantic liner, the Scotsman said ruefully to Morgan, \'I wish I had asked you for $100,000,000 more.\'\n"\'If you had asked for it, you\'d have gotten it,\' Morgan told him cheerfully.\n* * * * * * *\n"There was an uproar, of course. A British correspondent cabled that the foreign steel world was \'appalled\' by the gigantic combination. President Hadley, of Yale, declared that unless trusts were regulated the country might expect \'an emperor in Washington within the next twenty-five years.\' But that able stock manipulator, Keene, went at his work of shoving the new stock at the public so vigorously that all the excess water--estimated by some at nearly $600,000,000--was absorbed in a twinkling. So Carnegie had his millions, and the Morgan syndicate had $62,000,000 for all its \'trouble,\' and all the \'boys,\' from Gates to Gary, had their millions.\n* * * * * * *\n"The thirty-eight-year-old Schwab had his reward. He was made president of the new corporation and remained in control until 1930."\n",0]
);
D(["ce"]);
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"The figure was approximately $400,000,000, and was reached by taking the $320,000,000 mentioned by Schwab as a basic figure, and adding to it $80,000,000 to represent the increased capital value over the previous two years.
"Later, on the deck of a trans-Atlantic liner, the Scotsman said ruefully to Morgan, 'I wish I had asked you for $100,000,000 more.'
"'If you had asked for it, you'd have gotten it,' Morgan told him cheerfully.
* * * * * * *
"There was an uproar, of course. A British correspondent cabled that the foreign steel world was 'appalled' by the gigantic combination. President Hadley, of Yale, declared that unless trusts were regulated the country might expect 'an emperor in Washington within the next twenty-five years.' But that able stock manipulator, Keene, went at his work of shoving the new stock at the public so vigorously that all the excess water--estimated by some at nearly $600,000,000--was absorbed in a twinkling. So Carnegie had his millions, and the Morgan syndicate had $62,000,000 for all its 'trouble,' and all the 'boys,' from Gates to Gary, had their millions.
* * * * * * *
"The thirty-eight-year-old Schwab had his reward. He was made president of the new corporation and remained in control until 1930."

Recd from Madhan Gopalan on Nov 14, 2006 6:06 AM

Friday, November 10, 2006

Psychoanalytics

>Psychoanalysis - Test
>
>One day, you get lost in the wilderness while travelling. It gets dark and
>you have no choice but
>to seek refuge in a small hut nearby. The owner tells you all his rooms are
>haunted. Which room
>will you choose?
>
>
>The room where:
>
>Room (A)
>- a human head stares at you maliciously from outside your window
>Room (B)
>- the bathroom door creaks open and close, and there are sounds of a woman
>sighing
>Room (C)
>- the bed starts rocking violently whenever you try to sleep on it
>Room (D)
>- a headless ghost sits at the foot of your bed when you awake in the
>middle of the night
>
>MAKE ONE COMFORTABLE (?!) CHOICE BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN FOR THE
>EXPLANATION.
>IT'S QUITE AN INTERESTING ANSWER..........
>
>
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > > ---
> > >
>
>
> Explanations.
>
>A) A human head stares at you maliciously from outside your window.
>
>Explanation: You need a lot of private space and are more suitable to work
>alone. You look for stability i.e. a job that is not easily affected by
>external factors and provides steady income.
>
>Eg. Doctor, lawyer, SOHO, teacher, administrator.
>
>
> B) The bathroom door creaks open and close, and there are sounds of a
>woman sighing.
>
>Explanation: You prefer a stable job that does not require you to run
>around or meet people. You are willing to be subjected to pressure from
>your bosses if that lets you sit in an air-conditioned office all day.
>
>Eg. Civil servant, engineer, computer engineer, accountant.
>
>
>C) The bed starts rocking violently whenever you try to sleep on it.
>
>Explanation: You are an active person who cannot sit still and does not
>like to be restrained. You are easily adaptable to a job which is full of
>changes and not routine.
>
>Eg. Marketing, insurance, sales, delivery man, chauffer.
>
>
>D) A headless ghost sits at the foot of your bed when you awake in the
>middle of the night.
>
>Explanation: You suit jobs that need you to meet people, especially large
>crowds. Your job will depend on these people, but you will not know who
>they are.
>
>Eg. superstar, politician, PR, counter/front line sales.
>
>
Recd from Dhanya Ananthanarayanan on Mon, 28 Mar 2005 18:21:03 -0800 (PST)

The Four Cats

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist,and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,, "CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,drank the milk,,,,,,,,
crapped on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............



Recd from Priya Varadan on Wed, 20 Apr 2005 09:59:18 -0400

10 Secrets worth sharing

> The First Secret:
> Have a mind that is open to everything and attached
> to nothing.
>
> The Second Secret:
> Don't die with your music still in you. ( this is in
> reference to realizing your dreams)
>
> The Third Secret:
> You can't give away what you don't have.
>
> The Fourth Secret:
> Embrace silence.
>
> The Fifth Secret:
> Give up your personal history.
>
> The Sixth Secret:
> You can't solve a problem with the same mind that
> created it.
>
> The Seventh Secret:
> There are no justified resentments.
>
> The Eighth Secret:
> Treat yourself as if you already are what you'd like
> to be.
>
> The Ninth Secret:
> Treasure your divinity.
>
> The Tenth Secret:
> Wisdom is avoiding all thoughts that weaken you.

Recd from Bindi Nair on Wed, 27 Apr 2005 19:43:16 -0700 (PDT)

The Priest and Vodka

> Subject: Vodka
>
> This is a funny forward. ( but please don't break
> the chain):
>
> SIPPING VODKA
>
> A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he
> could hardly speak.
>
> After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
> The monsignor
> replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous
> on the pulpit, I put
> a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
> to get nervous, I
> take a sip."
>
> So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At
> the beginning of the
> sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
> proceeded to talk up a
> storm.Upon his return to his office after the mass,
> he found the
> following note on the door:
>
> 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
> 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
> 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
> 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
> 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet
> his ass.
> 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the
> late J.C.
> 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not
> referred to as Daddy,
> Junior and the spook.
> 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the
> shit out of him.
> 9. When David was hit by a rock and was
> knocked off his donkey,
> don't say he was stoned off his ass.
> 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big
> T."
> 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last
> supper he said, "take
> this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "
> Eat me" .
> 12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with
> the Cherry,.
> 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
> Rub-A-Dub-Dub
> thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
> 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling
> contest at ST.Peter's
> not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Recd from Rashmi Bharadwaj on Thu, 2 Jun 2005 23:15:45 -0700 (PDT)

Beer Quotes

Sometimes when I reflect back on
all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery

and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work. Then their hopes and dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let
their dreams come true, than to be selfish and worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy




I feel sorry for people
who don't drink. When they wake up in the

morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra




An intelligent man is sometimes forced
to be drunk to spend time

with his fools
.
--Ernest Hemingway




When I read about the evils
of drinking, I gave up reading
.

-Henny Youngman-




24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a
case. Coincidence?
-Stephen Wright-




When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.

Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

- Brian O'Rourke




Recd from Geeta Rajaraman on Thu, 20 Oct 2005 10:25:05 -040o

The Indian Software Industry Annual Appraisal method

There was a contest in a company to write a
fictional story for 500 words max which would start
with the line "On* a dark and foggy night, a small
figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to
the Bangalore station *"



This is what one professional wrote for the
contest....... surprisingly, it was adjudged the
*best short story* ;;))



On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay
huddled on the railway tracks leading to the
Bangalore station. At once I was held back to see
someone in that position during midnight with no one
around. With curiosity taking the front seat, I went
near the body and tried to investigate it. There was
blood all over the body which was lying face down. It
seemed that a ruthless blow by the last train could
have caused the end of this body which seemed
to be that of a guy of around my age. Amidst the
gory blood flow, I could see a folded white envelope
which was fluttering in the midnight wind.
Carefully I took the blood stained envelope and was
surprised to see the phrase "appraisal letter" on it.
With curiosity rising every moment, I
wasted no time in opening the envelope to see if I
can find some details about the dead guy. The tag
around the body's neck and the jazzy appraisal
cover gave me the hint that he might be a software
engineer. I opened the envelope to find a shining
paper on which the appraisal details where typed
in flying colors. Thunders broke into my ears and
lightening struck my heart when I saw the appraisal
amount of the dead guy!!!!! My God, it was not
even, as much as the cost of the letter on which the
appraisal details were printed.... My heart poured
out for the guy and huge calls were heard inside
my mind saying "no wonder, this guy died such a
miserable death"... As a fellow worker in the same
industry, I thought I should mourn for him for the
sake of respect and stood there with a heavy heart
thinking of the shock that he would have experienced
when his manager had placed the appraisal
letter in his hand. I am sure his heart would have
stopped and eyes would have gone blank for few
seconds looking at the near to nothing increment in
his salary.



While I mourned for him, for a second my hands froze
to see the employee's name in the appraisal letter...
hey, what a strange co-incidence, this guy's
name is same as mine, including the initials. This
was interesting. With some mental strength, I turned
the body upside down and found myself fainted
for a second. The guy not only had my name, but also
looked exactly like me. Same looks, same built, same
name.... it was me who was dead there!!!!!!!!
While I was lost in that shock, I felt someone
patting on my shoulders. My heart stopped completely,
I could not breathe and sprung in fear to see who was behind.........
splash!!! Went the glass of water on my laptop screen as I came out of
my wild dream to see my manager standing behind my chair patting on my
shoulder saying, "wake up man? Come to meeting room number two. I have
your appraisal letter ready"

Recd from Rashmi on Sat, 18 Mar 2006 04:27:32 -0800 (PST)

Straight from aamchi Mumbai



Recd from Bindi Nair on Mon, 15 May 2006 11:43:02 +0530

Hinglish Shayari ( Non Sense)

Arz kiya hai,

Hai tu agar mera dilbar,
Hai tu agar mera dilbar,
To aaj ke lunch ka bill tu bhar

When words fail, Eyes works.
When eyes fail, heart works.
When heart fails...
To kya? Samajh Le Tapak gaya

Na woh inkaar karti hai,
Na woh ikraar karti hai,
Kambakht mere hee sapnon mein aakar,
Mere dost se pyaar karti hai

Maine poochha chand se...
Kabhi dekha hai mere yaar sa haseen?
Chand ne kaha: Chandni ki kasam...
2,200,599,999 entries found

Agar tum kaho to tumhare liye aasman se chand taare tod laaun,
Agar tum kaho to tumhare liye aasman se chand taare tod laaun,
Lekin tum unka karogi kya??? (Kya logical sher hai!!)

Ab jab gira baadal, teri yaad aayi,
Jhoom ke barsa saawan, teri yaad aayi,
Bheega main, lekin phir bhi teri yaad aayi,Kyun na aaye teri yaad?
Tune jo chhatri ab tak nahi lautai...

Lal diwar par, Choone se likha tha Ghalib ne,
Lal diwar par, Choone se likha tha Ghalib ne,
Yahan likhna mana hai

Majnu ko Laila ka sms nahi aaya,
Majnu ne 2 din se khana nahi khaya,
Majnu marne wala hai Laila ke pyar main,
Aur Laila baithi hai sms free hone ke intezar main

Recd from Bindi Nair on Tue, 6 Jun 2006 10:40:55 +0530

Tirupati Tirumala : Lord Vekateshwara and his consorts






Recd from pgireeshkumar@yahoo.com on Tue, 8 Aug 2006 13:44:12 -0700 (PDT)

Sardar Toons





















Recd from Bindi on Wed, 9 Aug 2006 14:06:46 +0530

How we change with time

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably should not have survived, because
our baby cots were covered with brightly colored lead-based paint which was
promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to Play with matchboxes!

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just chappals and fluorescent
sticker on our wheel guard. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat
belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank water
from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same. We ate
chips, bread and laddoos and drank sugarcane juice with added sugar in it,
but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or glass and no one
actually died from this. We would spend hours riding cycles without support
wheels and then went top speed down the road, only to find out we were not
still so confident on the bike!!! After running into stinging bees / thorn
bush a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the afternoon and could play all evening, as long as
we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one
minded. We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No
99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones,
no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we
went outside and found them.

We played with marbles on the main street without footwear and sometimes
that road really hurt! We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones but
there were no law suits. We had full on fistfights but no prosecution
followed from other parents.


We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners
catching us. We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not,
WALKED to school; we did not rely on mummy Or daddy to drive us to school,
which was just round the corner. We made up games with sticks and pebbles.


We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore the same shoes all summer!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They
actually sided with the law. This generation has produced some of the best
risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have
been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure,
success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.


And
you're one of them. Congratulations!


Recd from Rashmi on Tue, 5 Sep 2006 00:21:35 -0700 (PDT)

Women Explained by Engineers
































Recd from Pradeep on Wed, 28 Sep 2005 03:29:15 -0700 (PDT)

Lessons for Life : 5

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to
know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious
disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived
the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and
asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his
sister.



I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and
saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion
progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all
did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale
and his smile faded.



He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I
start to die right away".



Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought
he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to
save her.



"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt,
and dance like you do when nobody's watching."


Recd from Shubhalakshmi N Srinivasa on Mon, 23 May 2005 18:38:19 +0000

Lessons for Life : 4

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he
hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.
Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and
simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping
the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of
the way.



Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon
approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to
move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and
straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load
of vegetables, he noticed ! a purse lying in the road where the
boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from
the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the
boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never
understand!



Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

Recd from Shubhalakshmi N Srinivasa on Mon, 23 May 2005 18:38:19 +0000

Lessons for Life : 3

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy
entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass
of water in front of him.



"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.



"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.



The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.



"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.



By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was
growing impatient.



"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.



The little boy again counted his coins.



"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.



The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and
walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and
left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down
the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two
nickels and five pennies..



You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough
left to leave her a tip.

Recd from Shubhalakshmi N Srinivasa on Mon, 23 May 2005 18:38:19 +0000

Lessons for Life : 2

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standingon the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashingrainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in thoseconflict-filled 60s. The man took her to safety, helped her getassistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed t o be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address andthanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. Tohis surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. Aspecial note was attached..

It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night.The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then youcame along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedsidejust before he ! passed a way... God bless you for helping me andunselfishly serving others."

"Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole."

Recd from Shubhalakshmi N Srinivasa on Mon, 23 May 2005 18:38:19 +0000



Lessons for Life : 1

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I
was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions
until I read the last one:



"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"



Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman
several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would
I know her name?



I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before
class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward
our quiz grade.



"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many
people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care,
even if all you do is smile and say "hello."




I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.


Recd from Shubhalakshmi N Srinivasa on Mon, 23 May 2005 18:38:19 +0000

Dharma Bacchan's Probation Report


















PROBATION
REPORT



(For below 12 yrs of age)





Please route this form as under:



Chennai Singapore - Timbuktu California










Name : G, KAMAL
RAJESH aka Dharma Bachhan
Emp. # :_1________



Division : 33 1/3 Location :____CALIFORNIA



Designation : .CEO ( Chief Entertainment Officer )



Date of Joining : = DOB Date of
Confirmation : ­­­­­­__still _TBD



























































































FACTORS







Comments











Functional Knowledge



Dysfunctional











Intelligence



Primitive











Intitiative



Nil – Sleepy during the day











Industriousness



What??











Motivation



A figment of his imagination











Attitudes



Hard to say – laughs at everything











Communication Skills



Still learning the alphabets











Sociability



Appears normal in social gatherings….











Overall impression



Hah hah hah














Strengths : can lift a 2 kg dumbell without much trouble .





Areas of Improvement
: biceps and brain





Recommendations
: To be confirmed X To be extended upto 2010. Management needs him for entertainment,








To be terminated



Employee’s Feedback : Thank
You.



Can I go to play
now?




.



SIGNATURES



Dharma



PL Employee Centre/Branch Manager



Recd from Sandeep Shenoy on Mon, 15 Nov 2004 14:57:16 -0600

Total Mumbaiya

pv n audi - i know u guys r gonna enjoy this the most........

A sample of the language that rocks Mumbai and is understood only in Mumbai

1. There's a minor problem- Arre yaar, "Waanda" ho gaya
2. There's a big problem - Arre yaar, "Jhol" ho gaya
3. There's a huge problem..(unsolvable)- Arre yaar,"Raada" ho gaya
4. You'll be surprised .- Ekdam "Hill" jayega tu
5. I am going out of this place - Chal apun "Kaltii" marta hai.
6. Don't make a fool of others - Dekh , tu "Shendi" mat laga sabko
7. Just get out of here,you oversmart fool!! -Chal e shane, "Hawa" aan de
8. I am not a stupid out here - Apun kya "ALIBAUG" se nahi aaya
9. There's some misunderstanding - Arre kuch "Galat Faimili" ho gayi
10. Do u drink daily? - Tu kya roz "FULL TO" hota hai?
11. See, You are afraid.. - Dekh , teri to "FAT" gayi
12. Shall I bash u? - E Du kya "Kharcha Pani" ?
13. Just take him into a secret place -Use jara "Khopche" me leke ja
14. What a beautiful lady !! - Kya "Zakaas Item" hai yaar!!
15. Don't just bluff. - E Jyaada "RAAG" mat de..
16. Don't take much tension.. - Jyaada "LOAD" nahi leneka kya??
17. Your clothes are very awkward!! - Kya "ZAGMAG /DHINKCHAAK" pehna tune?
20. I don't care about it much..!! - Abe yaar , "Hata Saawan Ki Ghata"
21.Please don't bore me... - Jyaada "PAKAA" mat be tu
22.All this must be done without anyone's notice Sab kaam "SUUMDI"
me hona chahiye...kya?

Recd from Bindi on Thu, 4 Nov 2004 08:37:18 -0800 (PST)

Why is English so funny ?

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
And while no one knows what is in a hotdog,
you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.

English muffins were not invented in England
nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write,
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,
and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
One mouse, 2 mice.
One louse, 2 lice.
One house, 2 hice ?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

You get in and out of a car,
yet you get on and off a bus.

When the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Recd from Sandeep Shenoy on Tue, 5 Oct 2004 16:16:36 -0500

A true story about the less fortunate

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children,the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe,that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.

Shay asked,"Do you think they'll let me play?"

Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play, not expecting much.

The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench put on a team shirt with a broad smile and his Father had a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing the other team putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher. The game would now be over, but the pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the head of the first baseman, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever ran that far but made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to second base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on their team, who had a chance to be the hero for his team for the first time. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and he too intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay" Shay reached third base, the opposing shortstop ran to help him and turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams and those watching were on their feet were screaming, "Shay, run home! Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

That day, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world. Shay didn't make it to another summer and died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his Father so happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them

Recd from Bindi Nair on Thu, 9 Nov 2006 15:14:33 +0530